Great Satan, Inc.

In light of the new wave of idiotic “news” reports, I’ve taken the liberty of updating the Journalist’s Guide to Firearms:

The saddest part about this graphic is that it’s painfully accurate:

“…was also armed with a Smith & Wesson .38 caliber revolver, a Mossman 12-gauge shotgun and the Bushmaster rifle.”

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A newly minted gunblogger claims to see chauvinistic and hostile behavior towards women everywhere in the shooting community.  It would be terrible if the stories of sexism were true, rather than the rare exception, but the blogger stands by the claims. 

I was baffled about these stories of sexism and chauvinism, but then I remembered this Dilbert cartoon by Scott Adams I’ve had tacked up on the refrigerator for the last 16 years.

Dilbert by Scott Adams.

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I’ve heard some carping about the presence of Bimbo’s in East Tennessee during the LuckyGunner.com blog shoot. As a service to our readers, I thought I should set the record straight about Bimbo’s in East Tennessee.

Yes, it’s true, I saw Bimbo’s in Tennessee.

I have to confess, I entered Bimbo’s while I was there and it was a blindingly explosive and satisfying experience.  The variety was pretty good, something for just about anyone.

The breasts were hot, firm, and juicy, but a bit too big for a guy my size.  What can I say, it was late at night, I had consumed a frosty beverage and I had an uncontrollable urge that needed to be satisfied.
 

Bimbo's Fireworks, Gas Station, and Travel Center

I wanted some fireworks and there was no way I was going to travel to the South without getting some properly fried chicken. The Bimbo’s chicken dinner was just what I needed for a late night snack.

Now this issue can finally be put to rest.

The Specials

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PETA is demanding that San Francisco change the name of the slummy Tenderloin District to some kind of cruelty-free food product. This is a shocking request, mostly because I didn’t know there was a far leftist group trying to hijack the acronym of the well-known People Eating Tasty Animals group. This trademark thieving group would like everyone to eat Tofu and other synthetic foods, like Soylent Green.

In an effort to help make this ghetto area of San Francisco more appealing to tourists, I’ve assembled a list of suitable alternative names, in no particular order:

1. The Bacon District – Vegans can claim it’s named after Kevin Bacon, the rest of us can appreciate the cured pork goodness of an area named after America’s favorite meat.
2. Foie Gras District – Renaming the area the Foie Gras District will lend an air of French sophistication and appeal to those who wish to remake America using Europe’s failings.
3. The Veal District – This name would create a vibrant image for a younger crowd.
4. Tuna Safe Dolphin District – This could become the hub of great sushi in the San Fran area, while making a statement against dolphin fisherman who don’t care about how many tuna die in the cove. Think of the tourist dollars this would bring to the area!
5. Can’t Lift Heavy Objects District – A name accurately reflecting the fruitopian reality they seek.
6. Youthanasia – A name that reaches the core of PETA’s mission to eliminate pet ownership, while feigning care.
7. Kobe Beef District – Named for a pampered breed of cattle that is fed lots of beer and receives daily massages. It doesn’t get anymore ethical than that!
8. Bob Parsons District – Bob Parsons, the charismatic CEO of GoDaddy.com, recently created a controversy by stopping a rogue elephant, while feeding the village he saved from the trampling beast. This would be a great way to recognize a man who spared a large number of people from starvation.
9. TurBaconEpic District – Words cannot describe the beauty of TurBaconEpic, just watch the video at the link (Rated ER – viewer discretion advised, watching may cause a coronary) .
10. Feel free to leave your best suggestion in the comments below!

Hat Tip to Sea to Shining Sea aka on Twitter, DesertGardens

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While waiting for SHOT show to begin, we spotted a new Ford EF just off the Vegas strip. As you can see, it’s about 35 feet long, and gets about 3 gallons per mile. The interior looked to be decked out in baby seal skin, with whale blubber seat cushions.

For those of you not familiar with the beauty that is the Ford EF, the E stands for Earth. The F does not stand for friendly, and since this is a family show, you’ll have to use your imagination to figure it out.

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Or more appropriately titled “D” classy, as I’m certain that’s where I will end up after shooting today’s all classifier USPSA match this morning at Phoenix Rod and Gun club.  I was starting to think that I had a chance at C, but the red mist descended quite heavily over me this morning, and ended all hopes of ranking at or above 40 percent of all USPSA shooters.

While the Gods of weather were extremely kind this morning (sub 90 and heavy cloud cover), the Gods of shooting were not so kind to me, or my shooty buddies C. Pig and ExKev.  We all had some malfunctions of the operator error variety and shot the first run through, well, let’s just say, not up to expectations.  Kevin stood tough and gave it another go, while I went home, tail tucked and a little frustrated about my performance (or lack thereof).

In order to get a classification with USPSA, you have to shoot four stages that are specifically designed for qualifying.  You score times plus hits on the paper, subtract your misses, add penalties, then do a couple of hocus pocus calculations, and eventually you get your “percentage”.

The match today consisted of the following stages:

It’s Not Brain Surgery – I might have fared better trying my hand at surgery this morning

Pucker Factor – Factor at 11

Oh, No – Oh, S***, was that another no shoot I just hit?

Table Stakes – I rocked this one.  4 A’s, 2 each on the paper targets and no misses on the poppers.  If I did the calculations correctly, I shot this at a (very) low B percentage.  Would have shot it faster too, if it wasn’t for that darn popper that wasn’t falling the first time for anyone shooting smaller than .45 caliber.

Observations and Notes to Self:

Practice is for thinking, shooting is for doing.  When I wasn’t thinking, just trying to stay slow and steady, I rocked it.  Unfortunately, I only did that on one out of the four stages today.  I’m getting to the point where I shoot better when I’m not thinking of the bajillion things I’m supposed to be doing.  At least I think I am.  Hmmm, I’ll have to think about that.

Perhaps I should have gotten my feet wet by shooting at least one regular USPSA match (or at least a practice) before getting classified.  Shooting steel and shooting paper are two different things, especially when most of the paper targets are covered up and your misses and no shoots cost you a fortune in points.

Sleep is good.  A good night’s sleep is better.  I felt alright after about 5 hours of sleep (NOT a morning person), but the brain was definitely not firing on all cylinders.

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Looks like the new and improved second season of the History Channel’s Top Shot will be focusing more on “Big Personalities”,  and less on shooting.

According to the Top Shot Season 2 casting call website, you may not have to be a “master shooter” to become Top Shot 2,  instead, it looks like they will be focusing even more on conflict creation and BIG personalities (You know, jerks):

Applicants must be at least 21 years of age, a resident or citizen of the United States and reasonably proficient with shooting and marksmanship. Further eligibility requirements are listed in the casting application.

Not sure if you’ve got what it takes to become the next “Top Shot”? Here’s a short list of additional requirements to help you decide if Top Shot 2 is for you:

• Do you know which end of the gun the bullet comes out of?
• Are you always the loudest person in the room?
• Can you find the bang switch?
• Do you have a long list of enemies?

I understand that I’m not the target demographic for the show, but I would think that more shooting and less faux drama would be a more effective way to increase the popularity of the show.

P.S. How did Caleb make it on to this show?  He is the polar opposite of all the above.

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